style

We’ve all heard it before, “it’s not what you said…” I bet your mind just finished that up for you, “it’s how you said it.” Right? You’ve heard this before, yet did you ever take the time to dig into why something seemingly harmless and benign either triggered someone to go to anger or caused a deal to fall apart?

The trouble with communication is that only 7% of it is about the words you’ve carefully selected to speak and the rest is about how you said it and what you were doing, physiologically, when you said it. The way in which you said it accounts for 38% of perceived communication. This includes your tone of voice, the speed at which you spoke, the clarity, and then whether you were too loud or too soft. Still, the largest contributor to our message’s reception, at 55%, is our physiological communication. This includes:

• Facial Expressions
• Breathing
• Gestures
• Posture
• Proximity

With so much riding on our body language and our tonality, it’s no wonder text messages and emails so often are the cause of conflict, as the words we say must carry the weight and the other 93% is left to the way the recipient is feeling at the time the message is received. This video clip (not suitable for younger viewers) perfectly illustrates how one person’s message can be distorted if the context is missing:

I’m not here today to teach you to send better texts. I am, however, going to share two simple hacks you can implement today, which will help you crush the 93% of communication which surround the words you say.

Mirror and Match

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. We’ve heard that one before and thankfully it’s true! We tend to relate best with those who look and act like us. This simple first tip is something to practice with someone you know, preferably without them knowing, and not in a high-stakes environment.

Next time you interact with someone, watch for the way they carry themselves, their posture, their expressions, what they do with their hands, and even the way they are breathing. To mirror someone, is exactly as it sounds. If you are sitting across from them and they cross their left knee over their right, you’d cross your right knee over the left, to create a mirror of what they are doing. If you are matching, you would cross your left knee over your right.

The key to mirroring and matching effectively is subtlety. We are not mimicking the other person and copying them movement for movement. This can quickly become mockery if employed wrong and could become highly offensive. Watch for significant changes and mirror those behaviors.

If the person is relaxed and laying back into their chair, move from the edge of yours and lay back into yours as well. If the person you are communicating with folds their arms in their lap, fold yours as well. Watch for the demeanor of the other person as you do this. You’re likely to find they become more comfortable and relaxed as you continue to mirror and match.

There are subtle things you can do while actively listening to continue building rapport without the other person knowing it. If they are expressive and talk with their hands, try subtly rolling your hands in your lap to match their behavior, in smaller movements. If they nod their head, gently nod back.

How has their behavior changed? Did you have a better interaction with this person than normal? As you develop these skills, begin bringing them in to higher stake environments. You may find your next negotiation or sale sees better results.

Predicates and Pacing

Your ability to pick up on the type of thinker you are interacting with is your way to unlock their mind and to open them up to your way of thinking. Generally, people fall into one of three main categories, those are Visual, Auditory, and Kinesthetic. If you keep an ear open to the words people use, you can pin down their category. If they use words like these, they are likely to be…

Pro tip: To help you bridge the other 7% of communication, the words we say, you can use words back to people which fit their style. Example: They say “I heard that your prices are high.” You can say “It sounds like budget considerations are most important to you.”

Once you know who you are interacting with, you can design your communication style around them. Those who are visual and auditory generally tend to group words and give a minimum amount of detail, whereas those who are kinesthetic are more deliberate with their phrasing and tend to give more detail. It’s also common for visual and auditory audiences to speak at a faster pace and with variable pitch, whereas their kinesthetic counterparts tend to be more thoughtful, deliberate, and monotone in their speech. If they have not given you any cues in their words, you may be able to use this reference to pick up on possible styles, which will hep you choose the words you use to speak to them.

More important than putting someone in a box and communicating on that alone is to be constantly assessing and pacing the person with whom you are interacting. Just because someone uses kinesthetic speech patterns does not mean they always speak slower and more deliberately. If they are speaking at a higher pace, meet them there. It could mean they are excited, agitated, or uncomfortable. Knowing that their style prefers to speak more slowly will let you know the direction the conversation is likely to head if you effectively build rapport.

Take action!

Unfortunately, simply reading this post will not make you a better communicator. Effective communication is an art and the best way to improve your art is to practice and get repetition. Go into each interaction with the intent of identifying where the other person is and building rapport. Practice mirroring and matching body language and tonality. Watch for signs of change. You’re bound to see better results in your interactions in business and life.